The Christmas Turkey
by CocoLime
Summary: Rock Lee may be a taijutsu master, and Tenten may be a weapons tycoon, but the two find their culinary skills severely lacking as they prepare a sumptuous Christmas dinner for the other half of their beloved team. Their misadventure awaits.


Some ninja Christmas cheer.

And - disclaimer here - Naruto ain't mine.

* * *

**The Christmas Turkey**

_Knock knock._

A girl stood outside a house on Christmas Eve, clutching a package and tapping her foot in the dirt. She checked her outfit while she waited for the door to be answered. A pink, Chinese-styled T-shirt, with sparely embellished embroidery over it; a pair of simple blue jeans rolled up to mid-calf (the land of fire wasn't cold). Typical ninja sandals. She looked good enough. "Dammit, Lee, hurry up," she said, kicking the door. What about her hair? Should she have put it up in a different style? She patted her left bun and found it was unraveling._ Crap, I knew I shouldn't've rushed. _She brought up her other arm to adjust it back into place.

And then the front door slammed open. In the doorway stood a boy, taller than her, clad in a spectacularly ugly green leotard belted across with a brown headband. The girl quickly tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

"GAI-SENSEI!!" bellowed the boy. "OUR BEAUTIFUL FLOWER HAS ARRIVED!!" Then, turning to the girl, "Welcome, Tenten-chan!"

"Um...yeah, here's for you, Lee," she said, stepping gingerly through his front door and handing him her - green - package. "Where's Neji?" Lee's zealous energy evaporated and he slumped comically.

"Alas, we have not heard from Neji-kun and do not know if he will attend our youthful Christmas party with us or not. Neither Sakura-chan nor Kakashi-sensei have responded either. BUTTT--" His back straightened like a slap bracelet in reverse. "He may yet come! TENTEN-CHAN, HAVE YOU NOT COME TO HELP GAI-SENSEI AND I IN PREPARING OUR CHRISTMAS DINNER?!?!"

She smiled meekly. "Uh...yeah?"

"YOSH! WE SHALL MAKE THE TURKEY NOW!!" And marched into the kitchen, Tenten in tow.

* * *

She stared blankly at the buttered, raw, naked turkey in front of her. "Lee...? How does this thing work?" He shrugged.

"I think you put it in the oven, and, um...bake it?" He picked it up and opened the oven. Then stopped. "How do you use an oven?" Tenten leaned over to study the machine. Several minutes passed in silent observation. She finally shook her head at the dials and buttons, dumbfounded.

"That thing's impossible," she announced. "Let's try boiling it in a pot instead." And she immediately reached for one, intent on dumping the turkey in for cooking.

"No! You can't do that!" Lee cried, snatching it away. "Boiling is unyouthful! We need to...if we can't bake it...STIR-FRY IT!! YOSH!" And as the pot clattered to the floor, the turkey was walloped onto a large frying pan handily ready on the stove. It promptly bounced out to join the pot at Lee's feet. He screeched in horror.

"YOSH! THIS IS TERRIBLE!" He shot down to pick it up. But it slipped through his fingers and tumbled away to his living room. "NOOOO! RETURN TO ME, TURKEY OF YOUTH!!" He started after it, but caught his foot in the pot and came down to the floor with an almighty crash. "NOOOOO!!!!" His arm reached for it, too far to actually get it. Tenten laughed and shook her head, then walked over to it and scooped it up easily.

"Which idiot buttered this thing?" she asked. "You or Gai-sensei? By the way, where is he?"

"Uh...I think he was in the restroom..."

"YOSH! AND I HAVE RETURNED!!" And there, in the doorway, in a corny 70's kung-fu movie pose, stood the one...the only...

"GAI-SENSEI!!" Cried Lee, leaping at his mentor.

"LEE!!" He mirrored Lee's action's.

"GAI-SENSEI!!"

"LEE!!"

"GAI-SENSEI!!"

"LEE!!"

"All these capitals are killing me," muttered Tenten, rubbing her eyes.

"TENTEN! MY YOUTHFUL FLOWER!" screamed Gai, clasping her like a starfish on a clam, sending the turkey, once again, flying away.

"Sensei...please..." she squirmed in his embrace and wriggled free, chasing after the turkey. "Lee!" she called. "Think fast!" And tossed him the turkey. Which he promptly fumbled and dropped. She groaned and swore.

"Awright, let's wash that thing first." He agreed quietly and carefully took a step forward, holding it so it wouldn't slip. "Watch your step, Lee." He edged forward another foot, slowly and cautiously. Then another. And another. He chanted over and over in his head, _Yosh, Lee, if you cannot carry this turkey across the room, you shall do four hundred pushups tomorrow. And run fifty laps around the village. Left...Right...Left...Right..._

And he finally made it. "YOUTH!" he cried, tossing the turkey up in the air. Tenten rushed forward to catch it and scolded him.

"You idiot! Now we have to wash it, got that?" With another loud exclamation of youth, he took the poultry from her and began to lather it with dishwashing soap over the sink. Tenten frowned.

"Is that right? Dishwashing soap?" He gave a shrug.

"Anything that works on a plate works on a turkey! There, done!" and he held up a sudsy bird, glowing with pride. Then drowned it in water to clear it of the foam. "So, now we stir-fry it!"

Tenten shook her head. "No, we boil it!"

"Stir-fry!"

"Boil!"

"Stir-fry!"

"Boil!"

"Stir-fry!"

"It's not even possible to stir-fry a turkey! And where's Gai-sensei gone again?" Lee paused.

"Well...uh...he left, and uh...well...you learn through experience, Tenten! You never know till you try!! IT'S YOUTHFUL STIR-FRY TIME!!!" he roared, eyes flaming, and once again walloped the turkey onto the frying pan. This time he was careful not to let it bounce out. He switched on the stove.

"WAIT, LEE!!" Tenten flicked it off and grabbed the turkey. "How's this? We cut this thing in half, and then you stir-fry your half, and I'll boil my half! And when we're done we'll stick it back together!" Lee grinned and agreed. Very enthusiastically.

"YOSH!! AND GAI-SENSEI SHALL PREPARE THE REST!!!"

* * *

Four hours later, six 'o clock, the trio began expecting guests. They glowed with pride every time they looked at their dinner table. A bowl of fluffy mashed potatoes - with gravy, three salads (which, by Gai's guidelines, were the most youthful food in the world), a pineapple-ham, frog legs, some miso ramen, a platter of sashimi, and (at Tenten's suggestion) peanut butter beef kabobs, with ketchup and mustard. There was some sake set aside, as well as orange or prune juice for non-alcoholics. For dessert there was ice cream in the fridge, a pot of red-bean soup, and a pumpkin pie baking in the oven. All of it Gai's work.

And then there was the turkey.

One half, Tenten's, was wrinkled and waterlogged; a sickening pale color that matched the color of Neji's shirt. Lee's half was the absolute opposite, charred black all over. In between, stuffing (breadcrumbs, bits of nacho, wasabi, bacon bits, pickled ginger, and zucchini pasted together with ranch) oozed out, looking extraordinarily like vomit. They'd covered it up best they could with a thick, pasty layer of unmelted butter, and glazed it with sweet ginger syrup. It was nothing short of a disaster, but Tenten and Lee were convinced it could quite possibly taste good. Hard work could only yield nothing but good results.

Their first arrival was Neji, who upon entrance received gifts from Tenten and Lee, and subsequently bestowed them his own.

A beautifully prepared, well-cooked Christmas turkey.

* * *

Gosh, I'd hate to eat that turkey. Red bean soup is good. My grandma makes the best. :)

And hey, before you navigate away from this page, review! If you read this far, might as well, right? It's the season of giving, get in the spirit!

Happy holidays all, and don't try that recipe! :D


End file.
